Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
