if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
