Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
