I wanna bring you to show and tell
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So many bounce houses so little time
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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