mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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