Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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