Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
