Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
