at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
