even my farts smell like vagina
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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