you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
