I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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