Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize