apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
