I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
