Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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