I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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