I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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