I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
