Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
