Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
