Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
