Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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