Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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