My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
