put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize