I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
