If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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