Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize