What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
