I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize