she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
