Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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