FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
