Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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