Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
