i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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