I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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