Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
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