Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
