I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
