i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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