is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
