the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
