I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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