Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
