my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize