I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
