Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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