i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
