This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
