So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
