remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
